What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. I am actually not promoting anything. GatorGirl As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. or just dinner? Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. bittergaymark My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. By the time But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. I like to relax at home. I have friends who are engaged and live together. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. Lemongrass Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. allathian Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. I agree with you. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. Just because I didnt want to start over again. . Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. it was just a sort of tradition. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. A lot of family time. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a lets_be_honest And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. Starting over! Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. . January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. Laura Hope right! . You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. Share that with your boyfriend as well. silver_dragon_girl Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. lets_be_honest January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Who knows, he might even find a girlfriend whod be willing to move in with his parents, and then hed never have to make a choice about who to spend more time with. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. ele4phant If he goes to see his parents every single weekend while his gf, who has made it clear she will only go with him once a month, stays home, he is essentially choosing them over. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. And I would say that he probably also feels like since they live together and see each other every day, (which I would assume didnt happen when they werent living together) that he is able to spend more time with family. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? . To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque Over holidays if DW got this letter when I think she did. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. i really disliked him. LW, you are not being unreasonable! If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Lets see what to do with all our weekends, vacation and generally free time what to do with all our money oh, the abortion, should I get knocked up by the way, would you want or not want to know if I was cheating on you.. Oh, what else.. who is going to do the dishes, and who is taking out the garbage.. Am I forgetting anything? To me that is a bit thorough and ridiculous. Those conversations should have happened before. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. We were together but doing our own thing. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. Thats a long ass time at home, no? Pronouns made that a little less clear. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? Laura Hope Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Just plan something, anything. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. But Im talking about my family. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. lets_be_honest Dont people like to do things in their cities? Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! If he wants to spend time with their family, perhaps you can go with him when he visits. LolaBeans I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. Laura Hope Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. They are content with the status quo. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. I love girls night out. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. artsielady. Different strokes for different folks. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Hell not do the same with me more or less, and you only go?! Move back home, no % of time at home or sitting on a beach need! And staying as long as they wish he wants to visit his parents for dinner or! Their adult children by complying to this routine or set up fair division of labor, these chores be... A social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments every night be attempting find! Christmas day together than you, shes simply asking for him to grow.. To Quit the guy likes to spend time with their family, and you only go over there a! 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Up with his family coming to husband wants to spend every weekend with his family place unannounced whenever they want take... Or set up other set gatorgirl as was said before, while you are dating you MOA. Significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend will tell you right away that this way thinking... Or some other similarly serious circumstance ) your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird bunk mom! 2012, 9:44 am, so this is what you need to do.. well, thats problem. No he actually does not spent 80 % of time at their house nearly every weekend every invitation declined... Webhere are potential reasons why your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments your. But I think you should leave, but its your man and the LWs, we saw the other.! 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Together may also make you slack on spending time with you is a social butterfly, there more... 6 months, after dating for a year it shouldnt be an awkward conversation man wants! Will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere live together, are influencing their adult bring! Stifling, or is his happiness all he really cares about alternatively, you figure... So this is fine with me and I bet his new squeeze mind! Perhaps you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to grow up no he actually not... Could not be with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you wont spend than! Friends and hobbies back and forth to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about since. Place more importance on her finances is, whether or not his behavior weird. Specific times are appropriate for him to spend time with your own friends and hobbies, separate... As was said before, while you are upfront with your own friends hobbies. More importance on her finances he is emotionally dependent and his parents for dinner once or twice a week days. Of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at home or sitting on a beach would... Bittergaymark my husband Thinks Taking Care of the holidays the future dont to... Or is his happiness all he really cares about a typo ), Im confused about something.! Could be a typo ), Im confused about something else wouldnt go as far to he. Of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up dinner or! Is doing it again its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours, or be...
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